anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Anxiety – a word I try not to throw around lightly because I know it is often referring to anxiety disorders..something I do not have and cannot pretend I know anything about experientially. But the feeling of anxiety is something that is often present in my life. I attribute this to my need for control (which you can read about in my last #WVW….3 months ago…)
This feeling of anxiety is the reason I try to only take calculated risks, why I try so hard to control the outcomes of situations, and to be prepared for every possible circumstance. But it’s sometimes also the reason I hesitate on new opportunities, the reason my good intentions remain just intentions, and why I have a difficult time walking by faith.
When I first started #WordVomitWednesday, I’d often write about my job, how I felt stuck there, and sometimes purposeless. This sense of anxiety – unease about where I was, uncertain where I wanted to go, and fear that I’d never figure it out. Well…surprise! I’m no longer working there..and am willfully unemployed. And a new, yet familiar, sense of anxiety to be expected – unease about where I am, uncertain where I want to go, fear that I’ll never figure it out, and a nervousness as the pressure to “succeed” mounts.
But surprisingly…I’ve felt none of that.
By most standards, my state of aimless wandering is not ideal, I know. Sure, at this current moment I don’t know what my next step is, or where I want to end up. No, I don’t know when I’ll figure it out. Yes, my savings are limited and there are loans and bills to pay for.
But for the first time in a long time, for maybe one of the first times ever in my post-grad life, there is peace. And it comes from an increasing intimacy with and therefore trust in the God I claim to put my faith in. “Intimacy”? What does that even mean? It’s a deepening knowledge of Him – not head knowledge, but that kind of heart-knowledge that’s understood through experience and built by small (or big) steps of trust. It’s taking what I “believe” and making it what I know by having enough faith and courage to act according to those beliefs and seeing them affirmed.
In the past 3 months that I have been MIA from WVW, I’ve been in situations where I had to trust God. I had to turn to Him for answers in uncertainty. I put myself in situations that allowed me to hear Him like I’ve never heard Him before. I saw Him perform tiny tiny miracles like keeping a camera battery alive for 10+ minutes after it had 0/4 bars left while continuously recording video, so that I could film 2 important performances for the ministry I was serving with overseas. Earlier that morning I had read the story of the widow’s oil that overflowed multiple jars when she started with only one (2 Kings 4:1-7), and as the anxiety of not getting the most important footage of the night crept up on me, I began earnestly praying for a similar miracle to happen. Seems trivial, and skeptics can easily say it’s a coincidence, and I probably would have too a few months ago. But that increased knowledge and intimacy allowed me to recognize that it was indeed God’s provision.
The anxiousness that I would normally be feeling in my current situation is virtually nonexistent. I’m not perfect and I still have my moments of weakness and fear, but I find security in knowing the God I trust my future with. I’ve seen His faithfulness, His perfect timing, and His grace. He knows me, He loves me, and He has a plan for my life – one not to harm me but to prosper me, and seeking that plan removes the anxiety..not because I’ll have a “perfect” and easy life, but because a perfect and loving Father is walking with me through it all.
I’m not worried. I’ll just walk each day in faith, in confidence, doing my best with what’s in front of me and being faithful in the small things. Everything around me may change, but God remains unchanging, and so I can find peace even in the uncertainty of tomorrow.
If you’re new to my blog, #WVW (Word Vomit Wednesday) is a fun little weekly challenge my friend Brian and I started to encourage more consistent and authentic writing. The point is to write down, or word vomit, whatever comes to mind, with lots of vulnerability along the way. Many have joined in on the fun, and you should too! 🙂