This week is a little different.
This week, I’m in St. Louis, Missouri, for Urbana – the world’s largest student missions conference. I’ve been eagerly anticipating this trip for a few months now, and now I’m here and it’s already almost over! We got here on Saturday, and we leave on New Years Day.
I tried to have very few expectations coming in. I knew that it could be life changing, I knew that God was going to do something. And I kind of hoped that somehow through this conference about missions, with the chance to meet with different organizations and hear from people doing missions in tons of different ways, I would feel God leading me into a certain direction. I hoped maybe I would have this new found passion and excitement about a certain career path, one that was finally going to be what I wanted.
But now, on the morning of the 4th day of the conference, that still hasn’t happened. I honestly feel just as lost and confused as before. I’ve been learning a ton (another post for another day) – about God, about other cultures, about things I’ve been ignorant (sometimes purposefully) to..but I don’t feel my own personal struggles being untangled.
One cool thing about this conference is that they have an exhibit hall with a ton of missions organizations there set up with booths, ready to talk to you about different opportunities and ways you can serve. Yesterday, I decided to walk around, and as I was perusing the aisles, I came to a booth with the New Zealand flag. The friendly man standing at the booth noticed me and said, “want to go to New Zealand?” I was pretty open to talking to anyone so I just said, “sure!” and he handed me some materials. He explained that he’s with YWAM – Youth With A Mission, which I am familiar with, and explained to me a bit about their Discipleship Training School. I thanked him, and was ready to walk away, and he asked if he could pray for me. As he was praying, he stopped. It’s as if he wasn’t even done with his thought. So I opened my eyes and looked up, and he said, “Taylor, tell me if I’m totally wrong on this and this is totally not you..but just now God was really putting the word ‘stillness’ on my heart.” My heart stopped. “I think you’re really busy, and you’re always running around doing things, and you’re a bit like Martha. But God is telling me that He wants you to be more like Mary.”
Quick backstory, if you’re not familiar with the story of Mary and Martha in the Bible. One day, Jesus enters a village and a woman named Martha welcomes him into her home – that’s a pretty big deal, the Son of God was going to enter into her home. So of course, she’s scrambling to make sure that everything is right, and that her Lord is served well and treated with hospitality. While she’s doing all of this, her sister Mary simply sits at Jesus’ feet and listens to him. Martha was annoyed by this and essentially said to Jesus, “why don’t you care that my sister is just sitting there and not serving you while I’m here doing everything by myself?” And Jesus tells her that in Mary choosing to sit at his feet, listen to him, and be in his presence, she has chosen what is better.
I was in shock. This hadn’t ever happened to me before – I’d never had someone say to me, “I feel like God is telling me this about you”..especially a total stranger. I hadn’t told him anything about my life. I looked at him with wide eyes and said, “yeah that’s totally me.” But the craziest part is – I try to pick a word that I want to define the new year. This year my word was ‘courage’. And for next year, I picked the word ‘still’. I told myself that in the next year, I want to create more time to be still. Be less busy, slow down, be present, and sit in stillness with God. So I couldn’t believe he had heard that exact word from God. I told him that, and he said, “Well, I guess just a little confirmation for you then.” He went on to say, “I feel God telling me that the way you’re living right now is not the way He designed you and not the way He has intended for you.” I tried to take all this in, genuinely thanked him, and walked away. I tried to walk around other booths after that but I couldn’t stop thinking about that encounter.
So in the midst of me trying so hard to learn, trying so hard to figure out what God wants me to do with my life, trying so hard to get that from this conference…God spoke loud and clear. Be still.
Be still. Sit in my presence. Listen for my voice. Learn more about my character. Grow in faith and in love. Know that I am good, that I love you, and that no career path, job title, or achievement would make me love you less, or more.
Yesterday, after all the sessions and seminars were done, I reflected on how big God is. He is the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the Creator of the entire universe and everything within it. But I was also reminded how much God cares about our individual lives. He cares so much about my individual life that he led some random guy from New Zealand to pray for me, and spoke to me through him. I was reminded how personal God is, how compassionate God is, and how He is a good and loving Father.
Honestly, I’m still processing. I have learned so much this week, and there are still 2 full days to go. But if I’ve learned anything it’s that I need to surrender..and I can surrender, because God is mighty, powerful, gracious, and loving.
// edit 5:19 p.m.
David Platt spoke this morning (truly gifted, that man is), and he shook me to the core. He asked a simple question, “does Jesus have your whole heart?” and that if the answer was not a “resounding yes”, that it needs to be. I’ve spent too long serving Jesus and having knowledge about Jesus but not fully loving Jesus.
He pleaded with us that before we even think about doing ministry, about serving God through our careers, about doing missions..we need to love Jesus. And really love him. A love that is full of adoration, affection, and longing, one that says, “You are worth laying down everything for.”
And it all clicked. The reason I felt empty was because I wanted a so-called “purposeful”, God-centered life more than I wanted God himself. I’ve been so quick to ask God, “What do you want me to do with my life? How can I serve you and your kingdom through my career?” and so hasty for answers that I started feeling purposeless when I felt that I heard nothing. But God has been saying this whole time, “love me first.” And I could only hear that in the stillness, devoid of the distractions of daily life.
In 2016, I’m committing to love Jesus. To be still, and know that he is God. It’s as simple as that.
#WVW from friends:
Brian // Xing // Jenine // Josh // Judy // Esther // Justin // Hnou
If you’re new to my blog, #WVW (Word Vomit Wednesday) is a fun little weekly challenge my friend Brian and I started to encourage more consistent and authentic writing. The point is to write down, or word vomit, whatever comes to mind, with lots of vulnerability along the way. Many have joined in on the fun, and you should too! 🙂
Taylor Matsunaga 