Most of my closest friends will, unfortunately, tell you that I’m really indecisive. I’ve seen it play out in my life in both big and small ways. From “What should we eat?” to “Where should I spend my college years?”, it’s highly unlikely that I won’t have some kind of internal struggle while trying to decide.
Perhaps it’s my fear of failure, my obsession with pleasing everyone, or my lack of confidence (I have blog posts on those, if you want to read them. #shamelessplug). But on the deepest level possible, under every layer of insecurity and doubt, what is it that really discourages me from making big decisions?
Senior year of high school. What was supposed to be the easy-going, carefree, slack-off year that every high schooler anticipates ended up being the most challenging academic year of my high school career. Somehow I found myself with 3 AP classes on my schedule while balancing a time consuming and demanding student council role, as well as doing stats for the basketball team which meant traveling with them to all their games. On top of that there were college apps and the looming question “Where are you going to school next year?” Whew. Even though it sounds like I would have been thinking a lot about where I wanted to go to college and what I wanted to do with my life, the busyness of my life distracted me. Up until then, college was this magical far-off time in the future, and then it hit me in the face and by the time I had gotten my college acceptance letters, I realized: Oh crap. I have to actually make this decision now.
Continue reading “#WVW 3: Decisions, decisions.”
Confidence. Confidence. Confidence. Confidence?
I’ve been sitting here, repeating the word in my head over and over again, trying to get thoughts to come. Confidence is difficult, isn’t it?
That first definition of confidence – I’ve got that down. I can trust others and have enough faith in their abilities to have confidence that they will deliver. Even the second, I have experienced many times – I have confidence in God, that He is good, that He is faithful, and that His grace is powerful. It’s that third one..that I’m not quite sure about. Do I have confidence in myself? …It depends. Continue reading “#WordVomitWednesday 2: Confidence.”
Last week, my friend Brian and I somehow got on the topic of writing. He encouraged me to write more, and is actually the one who pushed me to write & post my post last week. He told me I should just ‘word vomit’, and I agreed, because most times I sit and obsess over my blog posts, making sure I edit & re-write everything that I feel is even slightly off. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it sometimes results in me not posting at all because I conclude that it’s not worth posting.
So, in an effort to write more consistently and more authentically, we have decided to start #wordvomitwednesdays (Are hashtags totally obsolete in blogging..? Probs.) where we give each other a topic or prompt every Wednesday, and we have to write on that topic, with little to no time to prepare. These posts will probably be long-winded, more scatter-brained, and less coherent than my normal posts, but that’s okay. (Really trying my best here to embrace imperfection.) So here’s to the start #wordvomitwednesdays! I’m thankful for friends that push me to challenge myself. So if you’re reading this, and you want to get in on this too, here’s your invitation: DO IT, join us!
Also, please check out Brian’s website (linked above) because he’s really really talented.
Enjoy the first installment.
“So, are you dating anyone?”
“Tell me about your love life!”
“What’s new? Any boys?”
Oh, the dreaded topic. Small talk always seems to bring it up.
Continue reading “The first Word Vomit Wednesday: My love life.”
I don’t know what I look like.
Once, I was reading a post on some sort of social media about the strange reality that you’ve never actually seen yourself – only reflections and images. It said that if you ever saw yourself in the flesh, you probably wouldn’t recognize yourself right away because all you know is the reflection you see in the mirror, and it’s tainted by your self-perception, body image, insecurities, etc.
I’m a perfectionist, an idealist, a people-pleaser, and extremely self-conscious. Why? I could say that I was born this way, I was raised this way, that I’m an only child and the Asian in me tells me I have to excel and achieve as the only chance to bring “honor” to my family. Probably all true. But I think it all really boils down to my pride. I can’t stand the thought of not meeting people’s expectations, or the thought of people thinking negatively of me or something I’ve done..so whether people expect it or not, I’ve always strived for perfection. Because if I’m perfect, I pretty much know what people will think of me – they will think the highest they can possibly think of me. Right?
Continue reading “Mirror”