It’s the second week of school and I’m already swamped.
It’s the second week of being back at Biola, feeling pretty much assimilated back into my old world.
But I’m scared that I’ve become too assimilated into my old world.
London was a huge change of pace for me. The last few years of my life, and even just the summer before I left, I have been extremely busy. When I got to London, I had no plans. No set routines. No commitments. I focused on a few things, and kept things fairly balanced. When I got home and still had a month before starting school again, it was actually a bit alarming how much time I had on my hands. I didn’t have work, or projects, or places to run around to, or essays to be written..and it was nice. I was spending anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half reading my Bible, journaling, and praying, everyday – something I regrettably haven’t been able to commit to in a very long time. I felt different.
But now, two weeks in to being back at Biola and I feel like everything has kicked into overdrive. I have huge projects, weighty responsibilities, high expectations to be met, and an upper division Bible elective that will kick my butt if I don’t keep up. I’m lucky that I’m taking that class because if I weren’t, I don’t know if I would have spent any time in the Word these past two weeks. Honestly.
And today, I was hit with a frustrating realization: I’ve fallen back into my old ways, exactly what I did not want to do. Every hour this week has been planned so that I can carefully and perfectly pack everything in. On top of that, my people pleasing tendencies lead me to take on more tasks even when I know it will just barely fit in my schedule. Deciding to sit down and actually write this blog post was an internal struggle because I shouldn’t, I have so much reading to do. But why? Well, besides the fact that most of these things were unavoidable because these are the only classes I have left to take..I know that I can’t sit here and say, ‘I didn’t ask for this.’ Because I did. And I do, I always do. In my prideful nature, I feel more validated the busier I am. It makes me feel important, productive, perhaps even ambitious – all traits that the world so highly praises. I can’t say no to people for fear of their disapproval. For some reason I want people to look at me and think, ‘She has so many things going on’, like they would be impressed and think highly of me. And every time I fall into this trap, I find myself looking more like the world and less like Jesus.
So here I am, acknowledging that I need to slow down. Acknowledging that I need to fill myself with the Holy Spirit more, and with worldly affirmation less. I need to be like Mary, who chose to sit at Jesus’ feet. It won’t be easy, but it needs to be done.
38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10:38-42 (ESV)